Wishing for some noise

Lynn is gone to Billings this week.  So I am left here alone which normally is okay.  I don't like it but it is usually okay.  But not this week.  My house is so quiet and my thoughts are so loud.  My tears roll down my checks and I wish for Lynn to just be home. 

Mom fell again on Sunday.  She broke her pelvis this time.  Complications set in and she's been in ICU since Sunday night.  The doctors couldn't get her blood pressure regulated ~ she is in so much pain that she is pretty doped up~ her kidneys and bladder quit working etc. etc. ~ but I did talk to her on Monday morning I think.  I said "I love you Momma" and she said, "I love you too sweetheart".  She always says that ~ "I love you too sweetheart". 

Last night she was transfered to a new trauma hospital in Salt Lake.  That is a blessing ~ the hospital in Layton couldn't do anything more for her.  She still has some internal bleeding. Her kidneys and bladder however have started working a little bit again.  She is pretty sedated and in a lot of pain.  She lays in the bed with her wrists restrained because she tries to pull off the oxygen mask. 

I keep wondering if I should be there with her.  Bradlee and Joela and Donnlee are there.  There isn't anything really that I could do if I was there but somehow being there I think would be easier.  The drive by myself is 7 hours.  I have a hard time driving that far alone.  The flights are over $900 so that really isn't an option.  I miss her and I am afraid.  I try to not be afraid.  I try to remember to have faith.  I try to remember what Jeffrey said to me the other day, "HE has this mom".  One minute I'm fine, the next I am crying again.  I can't seem to concentrate on anything but mom for very long.  I pray alot and text my sister a lot.  I call the others that aren't there either - Paula and Carla and Suzanne and Angie ~ that helps some.  Lynn is busy in sessions so I can't talk to him whenever I want. 

I feel like my life is something like a book.  I'm writing a new chapter the last almost 10 months.  Aging parents and trying to figure out life without them.  I'm doing okay after Daddy's death.  I still have my moments when I wrap up in the blanket that Joela made for us out of his clothes.  I still find myself talking to him and listening to see if he will talk back to me.  I sit in the Celestial room in the temple and wait for him to come sit with me.  And now I face mom being so sick and wondering how many more days or weeks or years we will have together.  A lot I hope but I wonder nonetheless.  And then I think about when she is gone and it is just us kids and what will we do then?  It's kind of a scary thought and so I don't entertain it for very long.  I was so blessed to have her with me for the month of May.  We had such a grand time together.  She was such good company.  We cried alot together.  We laughed and we watched a lot of Hallmark movies!  I will forever be grateful for that time we had together - her and I. 

So I just sit here and wait for news from Utah and I pray and I move from one thing to the next hoping my mind will catch on to something.  But in the quiet I think alot.  I ponder my life and what is really important to me and what I need to change to be better - to be more like momma - to love my family like she loves hers - to be the kind of mother-in-law that she is!  She loves unconditionally and completely.  She defends whomever she feels is being attacked and she just loves!  She wouldn't want me to cry but she would certainly be crying with me! 

 So I will get up and I will get busy again and I will just do because that is what mom does in her lonely times - she just does!  So that is what I will do and I will pray and I will probably still cry a little.  I guess that's okay ~ I come by it honestly ;)  Oh how I love you Momma!  Please keep fighting!